wut is lyfe

so its been five months already. well, actually, my aniversario was yesterday, but still, wanted to write a little.

so recently I've been having a little bit of a hard time. my best friend is getting bullied in school, and its obviously hard for her. and all I can do is try to tell her how amazing she is, but I can tell its not enough.

and, I wont name who, but theres a person that just brings me down. I do one little thing wrong, and theyre angry for the next week. and I make mistakes. a lot of them actually. so its just an uncomfortable situation. I've apologized, done what I can. but when you cant really express how youre feeling, its tough.

missing home isn't a big problem for me. but i did just learn i cant go to korea in march. so that sucks. also, i know that my sister is kind of having a hard time, so i wish i could go visit her. if youre reading this, em, i love you a ton. ha, we talk for hours at a time and i never get tired of that girl.

but on the brighter side of things, I've found some great new music. and orchestra is going well.

i've been thinking. a lot. what with the new music thing, jaja. but anyway, next year i'll  be auditioning for all state orchestra. and that's hard. it takes a ton of practice and dedication. i'll be on swim team, which is so much time, and is physically tiring. and i'll be in my senior year, taking all the classes i miss this year, so that's even more time. and i still have to decide what i want to do with my future. i just don't know what i want to do with my life. people tell me 'youre so smart, you skipped a grade, you could do whatever'. yet i sit back and look at all of these amazingly talented people in the world who do such a better job than i do. i love to sing, yet i see videos on youtube of people with the most amazing of voices, and i think you have to be so special to be successful. but then i start thinking, what kind of successful  do i want? and i don't know. i have no idea. what do i even want to be? I've thought of so many things. im interested in so many things. yet the things i want to do take so much work, and i of all people know how lazy and procrastinating i am. I've thought about being an astronomer, a pilot, a chemist, a politician. but how would i make a change in this world? do i need to make a change? do i have to do something as big as i think i need to?

I've been thinking about who i am. if i even know. ive been thinking about how hard i work, what i do, what i should be doing, what i should change, do i even need to change? what do i need to change? what am i even thinking about? why am i telling you?

I've wanted to do more art and music, yet i sit on my computer and watch movies. I've wanted to learn, to study different things that im interested in, and i could, but something just stops me. im probably just lazy, honestly. i cant make myself do it. i see what i have to do and say, i cant do that. i just cant understand. so i give up. this year i wanted to learn French, and hey, im in a French class, but guess who doesn't do anything to really learn? me. its so frustrating. i just want to know and get it over with. but that's not how it works.

and jeez, soon i start thinking about what people have done. all the scientists who've discovered amazing things, and here i am, writing a silly little blog to make myself feel better. and i don't even know, i just, i don't know. i have friends asking for advice yet i sit here not knowing what to tell myself.

and then i think of God. like im gods daughter, and that should be enough for me. yet its so hard for me to call myself a disciple. i've been losing it. did i ever even have it? i don't read my bible because i find it so confusing and for it not to be confusing i have to read more, yet i cant even do that. i believe in god so much, and i would never lose that, but what do i do to prove it. who have i talked to about jesus recently. no one. and its hard. its so hard.

i have so many excuses in my mind, but what are they worth.

yet through all of this musc-listening and deep-thought-thinking, i still find myself a really happy person. is it because i see my faults and think im good enough how i am, i don't need to change? or because i say i'll do that later? or because i just let it go? i don't even know. i don't know if i want to know. i don't know if i want anyone to tell me, or to try and help me with whatever i need help with.

i just want to go to the ocean and look out at the sea for hours upon hours, then go with my best friend and tell stories and laugh and talk about our lives and why we are who we are. but who are we.

M